


All That Glitters

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Innuendo, Names for Naughty Parts, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 20:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16626191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Are you a vampire?





	1. All That Glitters

**Author's Note:**

> Pure crack. All crack. Do NOT take seriously. Just laugh :P

“Are you a vampire?”

“What?”

The Doctor detached his mouth from Rose’s nipple with an audible “pop” and followed her eye line to his throbbing erection, enthusiastically rutting against her thigh. It was the first time they had ever been intimate and, in all the ways he had fantasized about this (which numbered in the thousands), he had never imagined her asking if he was a blood-sucking member of the undead as he nibbled on her chest.

Her lips pursed in thought as she scrutinized him, far more closely than any male would desire in the heat of the moment. “Why’s it all…” She paused to poke him, her first touch of him below the waist (and not in any sort of pleasing manner he would have chosen) and scrunched her nose. “Sparkly?”

The stiffie he had been sporting started to wilt, and the mood became thoroughly derailed as Rose continued to stare at his nether-region. He sighed and rolled off her, laying on his side to face her. “Have you been reading tawdry, young adult novels?”

Rose turned to face him, a teasing grin spread across her face. “Perhaps the better question is, why was it in  your library?”

He shrugged and laid a hand on her waist, rubbing the soft patch of skin with his thumb. “Ran into a spot of trouble with a pack of Gwaeds a while back. Miss Meyer got in the  way. But they were  _ not  _ Vampires and they  _ did not _ sparkle!”

“Then where’d she get the idea from?”

He scrubbed a palm down his face. This was  _ not  _ how he had planned this magnificent evening to unfold. “Remind me to go back in time and have words with Stephanie Meyer,” he grumbled. “She was in the men’s room!”

Rose smirked and raised a curious eyebrow. “Stephanie Meyer saw your… shiny sausage?”

He sputtered, “Rose!”

“Glitzy knob?”

“Honestly…” He yanked on her hip to pull her flush against his body, attempting to switch her focus back to more amorous pursuits with his tongue on her neck.

A pleased moan rumbled in her throat, and she angled her head to grant him more room to work. Just as he was descending down her collarbone, she let out a contented sigh and whispered, “Twinkly Tallywacker?”

The Doctor groaned and thudded his forehead against her sternum. “Would you stop taking the mick!”

Rose bit her lip to stifle a giggle and glanced down at his groin again. “Radiant rod?”

Even though his sensual plans were thoroughly ruined, he couldn’t help the amused laughter that burst from his lips. He lifted his head and pressed a kiss above her heart before arranging them into a cuddle, wrapping an arm around her waist as she settled against his side.

Rose absently trailed a finger along his ribs, tickling his skin as she considered his luminous appendage. “So, really, why’s it all sparkly?”

“Well, much like the male peacock uses bright feathers to attract females, I suppose Time Ladies preferred the flashiest cock in all the land.”

She snorted. “You evolved to have shimmery dicks?”

He sniffed and squeezed her tighter. “ _ Impressive _ shimmery dicks.”

With an impish smile and a twinkle in her eye, Rose twisted to rest her chin on his bare chest. “So, what did Time Lords of yore do? Run around naked and wave their sparkly bits in the wind?”

“Oh, for the love of…” She squealed as he flipped her onto her back, rolling on top of her and settling between her thighs once more.

She moaned again as he used his tongue and hands to refocus her attention on their combined nakedness. “Sounds like something Jack would do.”

The Doctor lifted his head to glare playfully at her. “Less Jack, if you don't mind. I'm trying to be impressive just now.”

A tongue-touched smile lit up her face. “Impress away.”

With a devilish grin, the Doctor lowered his mouth back to her chest to resume the sucking and licking patterns from earlier. She hummed in delight and twisted her fingers in his hair, eliciting a throaty groan from him.

And, just as he thought the sensual mood had returned, she leaned forward, bit his earlobe, and whispered, “Does it do magic?”

“Rose!”


	2. Revenge of the Glitter

“Here we are!” The Doctor jumped out of the Tardis with a flourish, gesturing grandly at the gorgeous vista in front of them. “Skina! The most magnificent and radiant land you’ll ever see.”

Rose shut the door behind her and gawked at the mountains in the distance, literally glowing in the sunlight. Every patch of grass as far as she could see appeared to be illuminated, sparkling so bright that it threatened to sear her retinas. She hastily slid on the sunglasses the Doctor had provided her and took his hand as he wiggled his fingers in invitation.

“It’s beautiful!” She grinned up at him and he beamed back at her, making a happy, humming noise in the back of his throat.

“It is! This planet has the highest concentration of diamonds in this galaxy. There’s so much crammed into every nook and cranny that diamond dust covers nearly the entire surface. Dig down a mere four inches into the topsoil and bam! — diamonds galore!”

Rose giggled at his enthusiasm as they strolled to a nearby market. The Doctor pointed out the plethora of jewelry the locals created with their diamond horde, as well as the various sweet carts.

He bounced a bit on his toes when he found his favorite confection. “Fantastic banana pudding here, too! Just don’t have the gold. Stick to the pink.”

“Pink banana pudding?” Rose wrinkled her nose.

“Don’t let the color fool you— it’s marvelous! C’mon!” He pulled her to the counter and ordered two pink puddings and then led them to a table, immediately shoving a spoonful into his mouth as soon as his bum hit the bench seat.

“Brilliant!” The Doctor smacked his lips and grinned like a maniac. “Go on! Give it a go!”

Rose rolled her eyes fondly and sampled the dessert for herself. Just as he had promised, it was the most scrumptious morsel she had ever tasted. Her eyes widened and she scooped more of the pudding into her mouth, moaning in delight.

“Really, Rose, there are children about.” The Doctor winked and used his thumb to swipe a bit of pink from the corner of her lip, sucking the digit in his mouth in an obscene manner. “Mmm… not nearly as sweet as you.”

“Dirty old man,” she teased, curling her tongue between her teeth.

After they finished, Rose gathered their empty plates and tossed them into a nearby rubbish bin. When she turned around to walk back to their table, she noticed several locals staring at her with gaping mouths. Seeing no other humans in the crowd, Rose shrugged, assuming they had never seen her species before. However, the Doctor was also fixed on her, wide-eyed but also slightly pale.

Rose quirked an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“Um...” he swallowed heavily and stood, “we should go.  _ Now _ .”

“Why? What’s goin’ on?” She scanned her torso, wondering why he was so alarmed, when she saw what had captured the attention of everyone in the vicinity.

Her eyes widened in horror.

Rose didn’t normally wear skirts. However, she was wearing one today and it had turned out to be a very, very bad decision. Glaring brightly on the ground, straight from between her thighs like a beacon in the dark, was a bright spotlight. It beamed on the grass and magnified the diamond dust to a blinding level, advertising her nether-region to the entire planet.

She whipped her head up and glared at the Doctor. “What did you do?!”

“Why do you assume it was me?!”

“Because it’s  _ always  _ you!”

“Sorry! I could have sworn it was the gold!” He quickly pulled his jacket off his shoulders and wrapped it around her body, attempting to snuff out the light broadcasting from between her legs. “I guess it was the pink you shouldn’t have eaten.”

“Doctor,” she hissed, “what did I eat?”

“Nothing harmful, I promise.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Just a highlypotentaphrodisiac,” he rapidly muttered and snatched her hand to guide her back to the Tardis.

“Aphrodisiac?!” she cried and moved quicker, not daring to meet the laughing faces of the crowd around her.

“Yes, it’s not that effective on the local population. They only enjoy it for the sweet taste. But it has a nasty side effect on humans. Makes you glow.” He glanced back at her. “Literally.”

As soon as they arrived at the ship, Rose pushed past him and raced to their en-suite. She yanked down her skirt and knickers and gaped in horror. Her entire womanhood was shining and glittering, much like the vampires she had accused the Doctor of being weeks ago.

A loud snort followed by muffled giggles interrupted her examination, and she turned her head to the Doctor standing in the doorway, desperately trying not to collapse onto the ground in a fit of laughter.

Rose narrowed her eyes. “It’s not funny!”

“Oh, yes it is. Just a few weeks ago you were laughing at my shiny manly bits.” He stared at her bare bottom and guffawed. “Karma — HA!”

“That’s normal for you! I’m not supposed to… glow!”

“You’ve got a bling box!” He cackled louder and slid down the door jamb, howling all the way down to the floor.

“Doctor!” Rose balled her fists at her side and stomped a foot in irritation.

He swiped some of the moisture from his eyes as he met her angry stare. “Sorry, sorry.” Attempting to compose himself, the Doctor took a deep breath. It lasted for a full second before he started giggling again. “It’s a twinkle muff!”

“Stop it!” Rose scowled and crossed her arms, mimicking the Jackie Tyler Stance of Wrath.

His damned adorable left eyebrow arched in amusement. “Glitzy cupcake?”

“I hope you’re enjoyin’ yourself cause you’re not gonna see it for a long time!”

He sobered instantly, lifting apologetic eyes to meet her stormy ones. “Aww, I’m sorry.” He stood and gathered her into a hug. “You know how much I love your luminous labia.”

“That’s it!” The Doctor roared with laughter as she spun out of his arms and stomped away. “No sparkly bajingo for you!”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr! tumblr.thebadwolfgeek.com
> 
> Many, many, MANY thanks to those that had saved or downloaded my fic. You saved me from myself and I'll never be able to repay you :) I am eternally grateful!


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